She's Fine
by kaisalune
Summary: Kat is fine. Really, she is. She's said goodbye to Sammy and is moving on with her life. That's what she makes the rest of the world see. But inside, Kat is screaming. Because Kat rarely falls, and when she does, she falls hard.
1. There Are No Words

_Hey guys! So I've been a fan of Dance Academy since it first started and, not gonna lie, the death of Sammy hit me pretty hard. He was my favourite character and let me tell you, a fair amount of tears were shed with the last three episodes. So I thought I'd write about it from Kat's perspective and how she's really struggling with it but keeping everything sort of bottled up. I hope you enjoy! :)_

* * *

It had all been slowly sneaking up on Kat until the accident. She wasn't like Tara – she didn't wear her heart on her sleeve, didn't reveal her emotions to anybody. She was the bright and bubbly girl, the friend who always cared for others more than she cared about herself, who dealt with the problems of others but didn't take the time to assess how _she _was feeling. Even when she felt sad or angry she would plaster that smile on her face an act like everything was fine.

But it had all been building into something scary. All the things that had hurt her, that she had pushed aside, had all been contributing to the crack running through her heart, and it was with the unbelievable loss of Sammy that caused it to completely break in two.

It had begun in first year. Kat loved Tara, she really did, but Tara had hurt her in the past. Having a crush on and then dating Ethan, idolising Kat's mother, cheating on Kat's brother. Yes, Kat loved Tara, but it was always the Tara Show. And then Tara had gotten together with Christian, and Kat was forced to swallow her feelings and pretend to be happy for them. Kat had failed first year, fallen out with Myles, was forced to attend normal school with girls who didn't understand her. Then she and Christian had kissed, something Kat had wanted for a very long time, yet how could she possibly enjoy it when she knew she was betraying Tara? And then Tara had found out. Even after Tara had forgiven Kat, and Kat could finally be with Christian, it wasn't right. Because Christian was still in love with Tara.

Kat wasn't the jealous type. Or if she was, she kept it buried. But Tara always seemed to get everything. In the ballet department, Kat didn't mind – it was obvious Tara had talent. But it was with guys. Yes it was a silly thing to be jealous of. Kat never had issues with being alone – she liked being single and independent. But first Tara had taken her brother away from her, and then Christian, and then, even though Kat didn't like him in that way, Tara had even taken Ben's affections.

Sammy had always been the constant in Kat's life. He was the rock, the glue that held everything together. He cared deeply for everybody. She had yet to find somebody who disliked him. He was the voice of reason, the person to have a heart to heart with, the shoulder to cry on, the supplier of cake.

She still couldn't quite believe he was gone. Two weeks ago it had happened. Fourteen days. Unlike some people, who can't seem to remember the time when they received devastating news, Kat could remember every detail with painful accuracy. Everybody had been rehearsing for Peter Pan. Kat could remember wishing rehearsal would end so she could go to the Prix and cheer on Tara and Sammy. She had been partnered with Ollie since Christian was god knows where. Miss Raine came in and told Zach that she needed to interrupt rehearsal. The music had been turned off. Miss Raine had been standing very still with an odd look on her face, like she was trying to control it to make it look calm when in reality it seemed she was having a massive internal struggle.

It remained silent for almost an entire minute. Everybody was watching her expectantly. Zach was looking confused. Everybody had come up level with Kat and Ollie and was watching Miss Raine, who looked like she didn't know which words to use.

"Miss Raine? You okay?" asked Kat, who felt she needed to fill the silence.

Miss Raine met Kat's eyes. They were shining, almost like Miss Raine was tearful. "I have… there's… I have bad news," she said, her voice eerily calm. "I require all students to return to the boarding house immediately."

There was a sinking feeling in Kat's stomach, though she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because Miss Raine was obviously effected by this news, and she was the iron woman – nothing fazed her. Everybody gathered up their bags and clothes scattered around and followed her as she led the way. The walk back to the boarding house seemed extra-long, and was made in silence. For whatever reason – maybe she felt what Kat was feeling too – Abigail and Kat walked with linked arms. Once back home, everybody seated themselves. Miss Raine was murmuring to Zach in the entryway, and then he left, his phone to his ear and a distressed expression on his face.

"This looks bad," said Ben, who was standing with Kat and Abigail at the side of the room, in a tone of disbelief, like nothing bad ever happened at the Academy.

Miss Raine went and stood before the sofa and the expectant faces of the students. Then, without further ado, she said: "There's been an accident."

"Who?" Ollie said after a moment's pause.

Miss Raine seemed to take a deep breath. "Sammy Lieberman."

Kat's heart stopped. Her blood felt frozen. She didn't think she'd have the ability to, but she seemed to move forward slowly. "What?"

Miss Raine looked to Kat. "He was hit by a car."

"But he's okay?" said Ben. "I mean, he's in a coma or something?"

Miss Raine looked to the ground, and then back up, her eyes once more locking with Kat. "He died on the way to hospital."

That was when Kat's heart shattered. There was a collective gasp, someone was crying. No, no, _no, no_. "Oh my god," Kat managed to choke out. Her eyes burned as tears started running down her cheeks. Her shoulders shook. The room was filled with noises of disbelief and grief and sobbing and it couldn't be true, it wasn't true…

Ben put a hand on Kat's shoulder, and she turned to him and wailed into his chest. He put his arms around her and she could feel him shaking with tears. She closed her eyes and shut out the world. Her head was spinning.

"Katrina, Kat…" Miss Raine was behind her, she could feel the woman's hand on her arm, her back, but nothing would soothe her. Kat turned away from Ben to Miss Raine, her face wet with tears.

"It doesn't… how…"

"I know," Miss Raine said. And suddenly Kat was hugging Miss Raine, crying into _her _shoulder, and Miss Raine was murmuring something in her ear and trying to calm her. Kat had never imagined Miss Raine as a comforting or compassionate person and here she was, _hugging _her.

After a while Kat managed to stand back, and she sat down on the sofa from a moment, her heart still beating too fast. How was her heart still beating when it had just been ripped apart? For a moment she just sat there, her mind focused on the beating of her heart, sitting alone, everybody else wrapped up in their own shock. How was it possible that Sammy had been before her mere _hours _ago and now he had moved out of existence? He was probably on a cold slab somewhere in the hospital morgue. What if they had got it wrong? It wasn't him? He was at the Prix right now? Kat stood. "Miss Raine… are they sure? What if-if they couldn't identify him properly?" And the tears resumed.

"Kat, they did-"

"_We have to go to the hospital_," she cried. To see him. To see that it _was _him.

Miss Raine's hand went to her arm. "I know it's hard, but the Lieberman's have asked to be alone," she said, her voice shaking.

"We're his family!" Kat gasped, and began hyperventilating, when suddenly she saw Tara in the doorway. Tara rushed forward and Kat cried again, because if anybody knew how Kat was feeling, it was Tara. They were his sisters, his best friends, two legs of the tripod.

Tara pulled away and glanced around the room. Her face was stony, blank, expressionless. How was she not a mess like Kat? But then Tara said: "Abigail."

They ran off, hand in hand, to find her. They heard a shower running as they passed the bathroom and went in. She was there, fully clothed and drenched in the water. Her eye makeup was running and she was shivering. Kat leaned forward to turn off the spray and Abigail glanced up. Her face seemed to break and collapse into itself and crumpled to reveal a vulnerable, distressed girl. Her cries were heartbreaking, but Tara was all business – she leaned forward and grabbed Abigail's arm, and pulled her from the shower. She howled and slipped from the shower, and Kat caught her and suddenly Abigail was clutching Kat to her, sobbing, and even though she was completely drenched and freezing cold, Kat hugged her back and cried with her, and then Tara grabbed a large towel and wrapped both of them up, and then Tara stood with her own arms around Kat and Abigail in the towel, and there were no words.

There were no words.


	2. Tinkerbell Returns

So Kat had begun to once again shroud herself in a veil that hid her true emotions from the real world. Sure, she gave herself a grace period. Her best friend, her _brother_, had just died. This was a boy who was often there for her more than her _actual _brother. So she cried and became a zombie of grief for a few days, until after the funeral. Then she hid herself again. Tried to keep herself busy with the memorial to show that she was channelling her grief into something productive. Ethan called almost hourly in the beginning, and though Kat had cried the first time she had heard his voice after the accident, from then on every response to his "Are you okay?" was, "I'm fine," when she was anything but.

Abigail had hid too, under her hard exterior. She seemed to be mad at herself for having a moment of vulnerability in the shower and was almost robotic, until something changed and she didn't mind showing the vulnerability. She came forward to help plan the memorial, to tell the others what Sammy wanted. It was then that Kat truly became aware of how very much Abigail loved Sammy. Whether it was romantic love or friendship love, Kat didn't know. Maybe it was both. But Kat hadn't realised how much Abigail cared for Sammy until after he was dead, which was saddening.

Why, all of a sudden, was Abigail able to bare every emotion while Kat was struggling to even operate? She acted like all was well again. She took her exams, she cheered Tara on in the Prix, she danced with Ben and the others under the balloons. She went off with Tara to the farm in her little overalls and laughed with Tara and herded sheep and danced in the fields. But still it felt like this despair that she had been feeling ever since Sammy had died was festering in her and she didn't know how to get rid of it. She always thought if she experienced grief, she'd be quick to jump back up. But Kat was one of those girls that rarely fell, and when she did fall, she fell hard.

When she and Tara returned to the Academy for a new year, everything seemed normal but far from it. Sammy was gone, but it was like everyone had forgotten over the break. Everybody was still sad about it, but they had moved on. You couldn't mourn forever. Now it was a new year, time to focus on studies and dancing. For Tara and the rest of the third years, it was time to put all efforts into getting into the company. Kat wished she had something to work hard for, like the company. She had second year exams, but they hardly seemed to matter anymore.

At the boarding house, everything was chaotic. Abigail was sitting on the sofa texting (probably with Ethan – he had been giving Kat countless updates about their trip over the break) and looked bored with the goings on around her. Kat and Tara went over and she smiled but didn't take her eyes off her phone. "So how was it being country bumpkins on Tara's sheep farm?"

Kat laughed. She had become good at laughing naturally now. "Well hello to you too Abby dearest. How was Barcelona?"

"It was good."

"Is that all we get? It was good?" said Tara, raising her eyebrows.

"Have you seen the psychotic blonde girl yet?" said Abigail flatly, pocketing her phone and standing up.

"Oh, yeah… Grace," said Tara, her brow furrowing. "Ugh. I don't know what I'm going to do, rooming with her."

"You're not rooming with Kat?" asked Abigail.

"I wouldn't just kick you out," said Tara. "I think I can get Grace to warm to me again. At the very least we can tolerate one another."

"And if it gets too bad, you can just drag your mattress to our room and sleep on the floor!" said Kat cheerfully. Abigail looked fairly happy by this turn of events.

"Right then," Abigail said. "Let's go."

They took their bags upstairs. They had been given the same room as the previous year. Tara joined them after a while.

"So… what happened between you and my brother over the holidays?" said Kat, sitting cross legged with Tara on the bed across from Abigail.

Abigail frowned at her, but there was a faint smile playing on her lips. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Oh, look at you," said Tara. "Something happened."

"So something might have happened. It was a holiday romance, nothing more, nothing less. It's over now. Ethan's staying in Barcelona and I'm here. I don't have time for guys, anyway. I need to focus. It's our last year."

"I'd almost forgotten," Tara teased.

"_The Benster is back_!" came a loud voice down the hall, and Ben was suddenly poking his head around the doorway. He was grinning widely as he sauntered in, and plonked down next to Abigail, who looked disgruntled by it but didn't move away, which was an improvement on past Abigail.

"Ben!" said Tara, and she got off the bed and hugged him before returning to Kat. "How were your holidays?"

"Pretty quiet. See, all my friends sort of left me all alone in Sydney for six weeks. Not much to do," he said, feigning offence.

"Aw, we're sorry Ben," said Kat, who felt she hadn't spoken for a while and needed to say something.

"It's okay. I got a job, made some money. Anybody heard from Christian?"

"He promised he would be coming back," said Tara, almost defensively. "He _better _be coming back."

Over the next hour, everybody was getting settled back in. Kat unpacked and went to see if Christian had arrived. They had been… okay since last year, mostly due to the fact that everybody had come together after Sammy had died, but she wanted to make sure. She paused outside his room. This had been Sammy's room too…

Christian opened the door suddenly and jumped when he saw her. "You scared me!" He was wearing the leather jacket Tara had gotten for him.

"I just came to say hi…" Kat said. She looked past Christian into the room and saw bags on Sammy's bed, and for a horrible split second she thought Sammy was back.

Christian saw what Kat was looking at. "Oh. Yeah, Ben's rooming with me. I don't know how I'm not going to go absolutely _crazy_ by the end of the year."

Kat forced a laugh. "So how was the open road with your dad?"

Christian nodded thoughtfully. "Good for clearing my head. And I think I've made progress with my dad."

"That's awesome," said Kat.

"How was the farm?" asked Christian, stepping aside and gesturing for her to come in.

"Good. I sheared a sheep," said Kat, remaining in the doorway.

"Cool."

They stood awkwardly for a moment. Kat sighed. "Do you just want to… start over? Just be friends?"

Christian nodded. "That would be… nice."

Nice. Fine. Kat forced another laughed. "Great. Okay. I'll see you around." She turned and left quickly, still feeling like the ghost of Sammy inhabited that room.

* * *

"_Heeeeey guuuyyysss_."

Kat and Abigail glanced up to see Grace standing in their doorway. Tara pushed past her and sat down on Abigail's bed, rolling her eyes.

"Grace. How _nice _to see you again," said Abigail sweetly, though her face contained a fair amount of hatred for the girl. And there was that word again – _nice_.

"You too," said Grace with her smile that everybody had come to know as fake. "I'm excited to be back. I'm glad winning the Prix gave me this opportunity. Plus I would love to be friends with you all again."

Abigail did nothing to cover her snort of laughter.

Grace frowned. "I know that I was less than kind to you last year, but I want to fix that. Really. Tara and I have already made up."

"_Really_?" said Abigail sceptically, turning to Tara. "Is that so?"

Tara shrugged. "I don't want to have any unnecessary friction. Grace suggested a ceasefire."

"Okay. Well, Grace, I think our friend ship has already hit that ice berg, so we will not be chums. But thanks for the offer," said Abigail stiffly.

"Fine. Kat?" said Grace, looking expectant.

"Sure. Why not," said Kat, her mind not really on the conversation at hand.

"Excellent! I'll see you girls later!" Grace left.

"What is wrong with you two?" said Abigail, frustrated. "That girl is a sociopath. She was a total bitch to you Tara, and you Kat. After everything she's done… and you know she's just going to go back to her scheming in no time at all."

"It's first day back. I figured I might as well just say yes," said Kat. "It's better to be on her good side."

"She doesn't have a good side," Abigail muttered.

It was then that Miss Raine appeared in the doorway, wearing her usual black skirt. "Hello girls. Settled back in?"

Kat had always liked Miss Raine. Something about her told Kat that she wasn't a cold, heartless woman but actually someone with a lot of heart who was just trying to run a successful school and shape her students into the best they could be. Her respect for the principal had grown considerably with the way Miss Raine had cared for everybody during a tragedy.

"Yes, Miss Raine," said Tara, all manners. "How was your holiday?"

"Very good. I hope you all haven't been neglecting your dancing and fitness over the break. Class starts tomorrow and I won't tolerate sloppiness." But there was a slight smile on her face. "Oh, and just so you know, the production of Peter Pan will be happening this year. Roles will remain unchanged unless there is a good reason. Rehearsals start on Friday. I'll see you all tomorrow."

After she had left, Kat lay down on her bed. She was the Tinkerbell to Christian's Peter Pan. How was that going to work when there was so much awkwardness between them?

"Great," muttered Abigail. "I have to be the delightful Wendy."

"I would love to be Wendy," said Tara dreamily.

"Well you can have her," said Abigail. "Seriously. I can ask Miss Raine. She's too sweet for my liking. Plus you were already learning my choreography last year."

"That would actually be amazing…"

Kat zoned out on the conversation. How was everybody back to normal? Talking about solos and class and Peter Pan? Kat just couldn't adjust to this new world without Sammy Lieberman. She didn't _want _to. She wondered if this was what depression felt like. How did she know if she was depressed? Kat wasn't the _kind _to get depressed. But although she could lie to others, she couldn't lie to herself. This continuous feeling of emptiness and heartbreak and loss was supposed to be gone by now, and it hadn't.

Kat had fallen and she couldn't get back up.


	3. Back to Haunt

**Hi everyone!**

**First of all, let me just apologise profusely for not updating in so long. Life happened and it got kind of crazy for a while. I'm in my last year of high school and the workload sort of hit me but I'm finished with my semester 1 exams now so here I am updating :)**

**Because it's my last year and everything, I may not be able to update as often as I would like, and I'm really sorry about that. But I will definitely try to as often as I can.**

**Also, I would like to thank everybody for your incredibly kind feedback. It really means a lot to me when you guys take the time to write a review and I'm extremely happy that you're enjoying it. Thank you so much! :)**

* * *

"You should have seen Grace in rehearsal today," Tara said. "She was acting like she had never left. And the way she was towards Zach… honestly, he looked shocked. She was still flirting and joking around and everything, but subtly so it's not like he can go and report her…" Tara rambled on.

Kat, Tara, Ben, and Christian were all sitting at a table at the café eating lunch. Kat knew Tara's monologue was for her benefit since she hadn't been present at a third year rehearsal, but Kat couldn't force herself to care about Grace.

"She _was _pretty annoying," Ben said after Tara finished talking. "But she _is _talented."

Tara glared at Ben.

"Yeah, she's talented and she knows it," said Christian. "And then she walks around like she owns the place."

"It's called arrogance," said Abigail, who sat down at the table. "And I hate that she doesn't have to work at anything to be perfect at it."

The chatter continued. Kat couldn't even force herself to join the conversation. She felt disconnected from everybody. It was with a shock that Kat noticed everybody rising from the table, finished lunch.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Kat, standing too.

"Weren't you listening? We have a contemporary class," said Tara, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "We'll see you later, okay?" She leaned forward and hugged Kat, and she, Abigail and Christian walked off.

Ben hung back. He tilted his head to the side and frowned at her. "What's up Kat?"

"Nothing much Ben, how about you?" said Kat.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired. Abigail was snoring last night, you know…"

"Listen. If you ever need to talk…"

"What makes you think I need to talk?" said Kat.

"I'm a cancer kid. I know better than anybody how to act like I'm the happiest person in the world when in reality I feel terrible."

"That's not what I'm doing," said Kat defensively.

"No?"

"No. Honestly, I'm just tired. Come on Ben, you know me. Always happy. Just a result of Abigail's nasal cavity. I'm fine."

"Okay…" Ben didn't look all the way convinced. "I have to get to class. I'll see you later."

As he walked off, Kat cursed herself. She needed to pick up her game. She couldn't let anybody else notice.

* * *

"Kat! Come on, let's go!" shouted Zach the following day. Kat was dancing with a second year called James who was trying to the best of his ability to make her look good despite her head not being in the game, so to speak. She knew her movement was sloppy and she tried to really think about what she was doing, but despite her best efforts she knew she wasn't pulling it off. At the end of class, she apologised to James and went to leave, but Zach called her back.

Kat approached him, sighing. She didn't _like _letting people down, but apparently it was inevitable.

"Kat, did you dance at all during the holidays?"

"A little." If he counted dancing goofily in the paddocks around Tara's farm, then yes.

"You're in shape, which is good, but your technique needs to be improved. I know you have it in you Kat."

"It's just because it's the first day back," said Kat.

"No, I know. Just work on it, okay? James can't pick up all the slack." He paused. "You look a little tired. Are you getting enough sleep?"

"Abigail was snoring last night," said Kat by default. "I'm good, really."

"Okay. Just remember to get enough sleep and eat well and all of that stuff. You look a little thin."

"Isn't that the prerequisite for bunheads?" said Kat.

"No, of course not. Here at the Academy we need you to be fit. We do _not _advocate starvation."

"Well, you don't need to worry. I love food," said Kat. As she left, she thought about what Zach had said. She hadn't been eating as much lately. Not because she had a disorder, just because she was never hungry any more. Her stomach was constantly filled with that horrible feeling and there wasn't much room for food.

Back at the boarding house, everybody was lying around in the living room. The television was on and – oh, what a coincidence – Myles Kelly was singing his latest hit. "Ugh, can't we change channels?"

Tara leaned forward off the sofa and grabbed the remote control, while Ben glanced up at her. "You don't like a little bit of Myles, Kat?"

"I've had a little bit of Myles and he's not all that."

"_Excuse _me?" said Ben incredulously.

Tara leaned back, having switched channels to the news. "Kat and Myles used to date."

Ben glanced around, as if trying to see if everybody was in on a joke. "Okay, I'm sorry, how did this never come up last year?"

Kat shrugged and sat down on the sofa beside Tara. "He's a jerk. End of story."

"That isn't the end of the story. How did you meet?" said Ben.

Kat could feel everybody's eyes on her, but she didn't answer, so Tara did. "She danced in one of his music videos. Then they _fell in loooove_."

"And then they went on a disgusting Australian journey in a hippy van, no doubt with little hygiene," said Abigail, who had just walked in.

"That's insane. You could have a movie made about you. The girl next door falling in love with a superstar and then traveling the country."

"It wouldn't be very interesting. We fought a lot," said Kat flatly.

There was a brief awkward silence. Tara nudged her with her elbow. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I was just a bit sloppy in class today. Zach called me up on it," said Kat, when really that was only a tiny factor in the way she felt.

"I can help train you if you like," said Abigail.

"It's okay-"

"No, really Kat. Plus I can put it on my CV. Tutored a second year."

Kat considered the proposition. Did she really want to spend extra time in the studio, with Abigail? Probably not. But she supposed if she was feeling miserable and didn't want to act happy, Abigail was probably the best person to be around for that. Plus she needed to keep up appearances. "Fine."

"Excellent," said Abigail. "We can start Friday."

* * *

It was about one in the morning when there was a knock on Kat's door. She tried to ignore it, but it quickly turned to hammering. She pulled her pillow over her head and groaned into her mattress. "What time is it?" she moaned. She was surprised Abigail hadn't gotten up in a storming rampage yet.

The hammering continued, and Kat wrenched the pillow off and looked over at Abigail's bed to see why Abigail wasn't screaming at whoever it was behind the door. Oddly, her bed was empty. The clock on the bedside table said 12:45am.

"_I'm coming_," Kat yelled, struggling out of bed and moving lethargically towards the door. Her head was all jumbled, and where the hell was Abigail?

She opened the door, ready to give whoever it was a piece of her mind, and froze.

"How long does it take you to answer the door?" said Sammy as he lowered his hand. In the other arm he was carrying a plastic Tupperware container filled with yellow cake.

"What are you… how are you…" Kat struggled to find words.

"Stop bumbling and come with me," said Sammy. He extended the hand carrying the container. "Cake?"

For whatever reason, Kat took a piece, still staring at this boy who was supposed to be dead. He was wearing grey and blue pyjama bottoms and a ratty black T-shirt, and he had the holey socks on his feet that Kat always said needed to be inducted to Sainthood. And he was perfect. He looked healthy and there wasn't a scratch on him. Kat had been imagining him and dreaming of him, the way he would have looked after the accident. Bruises and cuts and scrapes and blood. But here he was, skin unblemished, eyes bright and alive, his mouth stuffed full of cake.

"Okay, so this journey we are about to take stays between us," said Sammy as he attempted to swallow the cake. He coughed and sprayed crumbs all over the ground, but shrugged. He closed the cake container and tossed it onto Abigail's bed, and then grabbed Kat's arm.

And for some reason Kat couldn't bring herself to question how Sammy was here. In the back of her mind, a little voice was telling her it was impossible. But she ignored it.

They snuck out of the boarding house in their pyjamas and ran laughing down the steps. Sammy tripped on the pavement and sprawled down the curb, and Kat screamed, but Sammy hopped up, nursing a scrape on his arm, and just laughed. "Come on!"

They went to the park, where Sammy immediately began prancing and jumping. He called for her to join him, and she did. They joined hands and jumped around moronically for a good fifteen minutes before they collapsed on the grass, breathless.

"When I was little, I always searched for four leaf clovers," Kat murmured as she plucked a clover from the grass. It only had three leaves.

"I know. Remember last year? We spent like an hour searching around here for one to bring us luck for our exams."

"But that was first year."

"Exactly…"

But it was third year now, for them, and for Kat, sort of. Kat was confused. She rolled her head to look at Sammy, who had a handful of grass and was letting go of it bit by bit, so it flew away in the soft breeze. A bit of the grass suddenly flew on his face and some of it went in his mouth, and he began coughing and spluttering and retching on his side. Kat sat up and laughed and couldn't stop laughing, and finally Sammy wiped his mouth and sat up. "Arghugh," he said.

"Samuel, you have an inability to not spray things out of your mouth tonight," she said.

"It went down my throat, okay? I could have died."

"On a blade of grass?"

"Yes on a blade of grass."

"Wouldn't that be hilarious? On your tombstone it would read, 'Taken down by a blade of menacing grass'."

"Oh har har, very funny." He grinned at her. "This is fun, huh?"

"Choking on grass?"

"Being out after hours. It feels exciting. Adventurous. Dangerous."

Kat laughed. "You don't have a dangerous bone in your body."

"I don't know about that. I think that grass blade was sort of scared of me."

"It put up a good fight though."

"Well what do you expect? He had a _blade_ on him."

Kat and Sammy both rolled on their back in hysterics, delirious from the excitement of being out after hours and exhaustion from lack of sleep. And suddenly Kat had an odd feeling. Like _deja vu_. "I know what you're going to say next," she murmured softly, looking at Sammy.

"You know what we should do?" he said, turning to look at her.

"You're going to say, 'we should go for a swim in the harbour'."

"We should go for a swim in the harbour," said Sammy.

"And then I said, 'at this time?'" Kat almost said quietly.

"Well why not? You have to do something crazy in your life."

"Well let's go then!" said Kat, forcing the fact that she knew what was going to happen from her mind. How did she know that? What he and she were both going to say? How this night would end up? None of it made any sense, but she ignored it, just like she ignored the little voice in the back of head that told her this couldn't be real.

They ran through the streets and down to the Academy, where everything was dark and silent. Grinning goofily at one another, they ran around to the café and out to the jetty, where the water lapped at the wood. "You go first," said Sammy.

"I'm rethinking this whole idea," said Kat.

"Oh come on."

"Well you go first then."

"No you."

"No you."

They stood there for a second, staring each other down. Then Kat lunged forward and gave Sammy a shove, and he fell backwards into the water with a loud splash. "_Oh my god. Oh my god. This is so c-cold_. _Oh my god it burns the graze on my arm_."

Kat stood above him, watching him flounder around, and laughed. "Still think this is a good idea?"

"You h-have to c-come in t-too."

"When you've given the water such a good review? I don't think so."

"K-Katrina K-Karamokov, hurry up."

"We'll go back soaking."

"Uh huh."

Kat rolled her eyes. "I have a feeling I'm going to regret this," she said, and took a breath and cannon-balled into the water, spraying Sammy with water. The icy water felt like it was squeezing her ribcage and constricting around her. "H-how is this so c-cold?"

They only spent a short amount of time in the water before hoisting themselves up the ladder and onto the jetty. Their pyjamas stuck to them and in the cool night breeze, making them feel icy. "What are we going to do? We can't go back to the boarding house soaking wet," said Kat matter-of-factly. She was finding it quite entertaining to see Sammy be 'adventurous'.

"What about we go to the studio and dry on the vents?"

"Uh…"

He had already taken off, and Kat had no choice but to follow him. Sneaking into the Academy was surprisingly simple, especially since the studios were open at all kinds of odd hours due to people (Abigail) wanting more practice. They went to their usual studio room. Some people had left bags and jumpers and water bottles behind. Kat loved how the studio was always mildly cluttered.

There were vents in the floor for cold winter rehearsals, and Sammy fiddled with the controls until warm air was blasting out. Shivering, they both went and stood over them. Kat rung out her soaking hair, and then took off the jumper she slept in and rung that out as well. Sammy was also squeezing his pyjamas of moisture. They were creating huge puddles on the floor, but Kat figured they would dry by morning.

They settled down leaning against the wall beside the floor vents, slowly thawing. Kat leaned her head on Sammy's shoulder and sighed. The night had been ridiculous yet strangely perfect. The night when Sammy became adventurous and led the way.

They must have drifted off, because when Kat opened her eyes the light in the halls was grey. She nudged Sammy. "Sammy. Sammy, we need to go!"

"Mmmffguu?" said Sammy.

"_It's morning_."

They got up quickly. Kat's clothes were all stiff from the dried saltwater. She made for the door in a hurry, but heard a thump behind her. She turned and saw that Sammy had slipped on one of the water puddles that hadn't yet dried and was sprawled on the ground. She grinned at him and crossed her arms. "Come on Lieberman. We're going to get in trouble."

"You'll have to go on without me," he said melodramatically, putting a hand to his forehead.

She went back and took his hand, wrenching him up. "We gotta run."

They sprinted out of the Academy and back towards the boarding house. The sun was slowly rising and they were counting on at least somebody being up. Probably Abigail, doing cardio exercises or something.

At the top of the long stairs leading up near their boarding house, Sammy grabbed her arm and stopped her. "Let's watch the sunrise."

Kat examined him. Who was this strange boy before her? _She _was the crazy, spontaneous one, while Sammy was the one who hesitated and was always on time and hated getting into trouble. "How come you wanted to come out tonight? You've never acted like this before."

Sammy smiled at her, the sun in his eyes. "I just wanted to be crazy for one night. I just wanted to have some fun with my first best friend at the Academy. I wanted to unexpected."

Kat smiled back. "Okay."

"We better get back though," he said.

"Wait – Sammy." She had to ask.

"Yeah?"

"I don't understand how this is happening."

"I came and got you in the middle of the night and we had an adventure. Or actually, we frolicked in the grass, went for a swim, and then fell asleep."

"But… you're dead."

"Dead?" said Sammy. And then he suddenly shouted: "I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE."

They snuck back into the boarding house. Sammy went to Kat's room to retrieve his cake, and then decided he shouldn't wake up Christian. "I'll just crash on your spare bed," he said, his mouth full of cake again. "We could probably get another half hour of sleep."

"You mean Abigail's bed," said Kat.

"What on earth are you talking about? Abigail rooms with Tara."

Kat got into bed in her stiff, salty pyjamas. She was on her side, looking at Sammy who already had his eyes closed. She felt like she wanted to cry and she didn't know why. Sammy suddenly opened his eyes. "What?" he said.

"I don't want this night to end," said Kat.

"The morning always brings something new, K."

Kat closed her eyes and within moments had drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**I will try and update soon. Hopefully there won't be as big a wait as last time! **


	4. Dreams of a Boy

_Forgive meeee. It's been so long. I'm very sorry. But, like I said last time I updated, I'm in year 12 and it's hectic and it's my last eight weeks of school before exams and everything, so this is probably my last update until the end of October (sorry!). _

* * *

When Kat opened her eyes again, she felt a fair amount of disorientation. She was laying on her other side facing the wall. Her pyjamas were soft and fluffy, not covered in sea salt. Her clock said six thirty. She rolled over and looked to the other bed. Abigail was snoring softly, her hair dishevelled and in her face.

Heart pounding, Kat sat up. Had she honestly dreamed everything? It had been so unbelievably real. And that's when she remembered that it _had _been real. A memory from last year had seeped into her dream, and had warped into a weird atmosphere where her memory changed as her dream-self realised something was up. She could feel herself start to hyperventilate and forced herself to stop, but all she could think about was that night and how fun it had been and how uncharacteristically Sammy had acted. He'd said that he felt alive and that the morning always brought something new… and the next day when Kat had gone to her first-year class – because it _had _been last year that it happened – Miss Raine had been ranting about the puddles all over the studio and how she didn't understand how they had gotten there.

The tears had started and Kat furiously wiped her cheeks, but more soon followed. She got up, pulled on her dressing gown, and went out in the hall. As she went, she still checked for the cake crumbs on the floor.

A few people were already up and getting breakfast or doing exercise. She was surprised that Abigail wasn't doing sit ups with the rest of the obsessed. She went directly to the bathroom and inspected her face. It wasn't too bad. She dried her eyes and pulled her blonde hair into a messy bun and then went out into the living room.

Tara and Ben were sitting on the sofa in their pyjamas with bowls of cereal watching _Sunrise_. They were sitting fairly close, too, which left Kat wondering if they were still just friends or what. She could never really tell what was happening in Tara's love life.

"Hey Kat," said Ben, tilting his head back. "How'd you sleep?"

"Delightfully," Kat replied, in the most chipper voice she could muster. She supposed it _had _been delightful. The dream, that is. Waking up had only emphasised the feeling of loss that Kat couldn't seem to shake.

In the kitchen, Kat stared at the contents in the fridge for a good three minutes before letting the door swing shut. She wasn't hungry. Again. Sighing, she turned away. Abigail was just walking in, already dressed, her hair immaculate.

"How'd you do that?" said Kat, who had only seen her ten minutes ago fast asleep.

"Do what?"

"Get ready so quickly."

"I'm efficient." It hadn't really answered the question, but Kat decided that trying to figure out the wonder that was Abigail Armstrong was probably futile. "Are you eating?"

"I'm not really hungry," said Kat honestly.

Abigail guffawed. "Seriously? I'm going to have some fruit. I can cut you some if you want."

"That is a very nice offer Abigail, but I'm good."

"You can't dance on an empty stomach," said Abigail. "I should know. Do you really want to collapse in front of everybody like I did?"

"Don't freak out. I'll get a muesli bar when I leave or something."

Kat made her way back to her room and got dressed, pulling on her new turquoise leotard. Then she went to the bathroom and re-did her hair so it was pulled back and neat. Back in the hall, she bumped into Christian. They did an awkward side-stepping dance. Kat forced a laugh which sounded surprisingly natural and stepped aside to let him past. Christian smiled and thanked her. Huh. Maybe they _could _be friends. Or fake friends at least.

Back in her room, Kat sat on the edge of her bed. She felt terrible after last night's dream. Yes, it was a great memory but it highlighted her intense feeling of grief that had settled in the pit of her stomach and she hated it. Abigail came in jabbing at her phone. "You're looking glummer than usual," said Abigail.

"Would you be texting my brother dearest?" said Kat, changing the subject.

"None of your business."

"You like him, huh?"

"It wouldn't matter if I did, he's sort of living in Argentina."

"But you do like him, don't you?"

Abigail glanced up from her phone and frowned at Kat, but there was a hint of a smile on her face as she returned to texting.

"What happened between you two over the holidays?" said Kat.

Abigail sat down on her bed cross-legged. "We went to Argentina."

"Ugh, no, I mean… were you _together_ or…?"

"It was just a summer fling, Kat. We're not getting married or anything."

"So you _were _together?"

"Oh my god, yes, okay? Happy? Now stop pestering me about this."

Surprisingly, Kat kind of liked the idea of Abigail and Ethan together. She had always been protective of her brother, especially with the whole Tara-Ethan-Christian debacle, but somehow she felt that Abigail was good for him, and he for her. Particularly since Abigail had softened lately. She had a hard exterior, but really she was just like everybody else. She had suffered after Sammy had died, and she deserved some happiness after the confusion about her feelings for Sammy.

"So are we practicing this afternoon?" said Abigail, standing up and grabbing her bag.

"Maybe. I'll see what my schedule is like," Kat replied, grabbing her turquoise tutu and folding it delicately into her bag.

"Dedication is the key," was all Abigail said as she left the room.

* * *

Kat struggled through class and noticed Miss Raine frowning at her at one point, probably wondering why the girl who passed her exams last year had gotten so terrible within six weeks. Kat felt like she was letting the woman down, especially since Miss Raine had given her a second chance. Her mood was worsened when it was declared during English class that Peter Pan rehearsals were running for two hours that afternoon. As she left class, Abigail levelled with her and told her that their practice would have to wait.

So at three she found herself in the biggest studio, with Zach handing her Tinkerbell wings, watching as Christian put on Peter's jaunty little hat with the feather and wondering what dancing with him was going to be like now that they were being "friends." Even in her head, she couldn't shake the quotation marks from the word.

Tara was excitedly bouncing on the balls of her feet beside Kat, brimming with excitement over getting to play Wendy. Kat had to admire the girls unfaltering enthusiasm about everything ballet. Kat still loved to dance, but it seemed impossible without Sammy now.

Zach clapped his hands. "Okay guys – starting off with Pan and Tinkerbell. Everybody else to the sides."

As Kat went to the centre of the room, she wondered if Zach had purposefully started with her to see if she had improved in the day since he had seen her. She met Christian's eyes as he placed his hands on her waist and felt a dull ache in her heart. She wondered if he felt the same, or if he was still pining after Tara. Kat supposed she shouldn't expect anything more – she figured that Tara and Christian would be on-again-off-again until graduation.

The music started and Christian lifted Kat and for a second, just a split second, she felt a little better. Flying. How Tara felt when she danced, like nothing could touch her. And then the inevitable happened and Kat's feet touched the ground again. She tried to filter her feelings into the jealousy Tinkerbell was supposed to be portraying, but knew she was failing dismally when she noticed Zach out of the corner of her eye, frowning slightly. He stopped the music halfway through and stood with his fists on his hips. "What's going on Kat? You had this dance perfect before the holidays."

Before the holidays? Was that really how he was saying it? For some reason it made her feel angry. "That was before my best friend was killed, yes," she said. She had surprised even herself. There was a tense silence in the room as Zach struggled with what to say. Kat didn't give him the opportunity. "Sorry. I'm just in a bad mood."

"It's… okay. Maybe take a breather?" said Zach. "Tara, we'll do Peter and Wendy."

Kat took a swig from her drink bottle and sighed when she saw her reflection in the glass window that looked into the hall. When she turned back to see Christian and Tara dancing, she decided that she'd had enough practice for today, and grabbed her bag and left.

Ben caught up with her as she was exiting the Academy. He grabbed her arm and spun her around. "You lied to me, Kat. You said you were fine, but you're not."

"Oh, god, Ben, honestly. I'm just having a bad day. It's normal to miss my friend. I had a dream about him last night, that's the problem," said Kat, trying to sound light-hearted.

Ben frowned at her. "No. It's something more."

_Lie_, Kat told herself. "It's just Christian. Seeing him with Tara. Seeing him with anybody. I still have feelings for Christian," she blurted. Well, it was better than, _"I feel like everything is falling apart and I might have depression because I can't feel good or normal about anything and I just don't care anymore and I miss Sammy so much it has become a physical pain in my chest that doesn't stop even when I'm sleeping."_

Ben raised his eyebrows at her. Maybe he didn't buy it. Kat knew people often misread Ben. He saw a lot more than he let on, and he'd been through a lot more than people had originally thought. But he sighed and said, "I don't know how to help you."

"I don't expect you to help me Ben," said Kat, smiling. "But… what's going on between you and Tara?"

Ben frowned. "I'm not sure. Everything's been kind of up in the air since the Prix. And I know her and Christian talked the same day. But… I really don't know."

"You like her, don't you?" said Kat.

"Yeah. I mean… she feels so strongly about things and she's so passionate and… well, I won't go on about it. I think I could be good for her. With everything that's happened to her last year… all the Christian angst, Saskia, breaking her back, losing her friend… I think I can be good for her."

Kat nodded. "I think so too."

"Maybe you could say nice things to her about me?" said Ben.

"Ben, at the end of the day Tara will make her own decision based on her feelings. She knows how amazing you are. Everybody does. I don't want to try and sway her if she feels differently."

"Even when you're still in love with Christian," said Ben quietly. It wasn't a question. "Kat… you're the best friend I've ever met. I don't know if I could make that kind of sacrifice."

Kat didn't know how to respond. She wanted Tara to have it all. Tara deserved it. She worked hard and had pushed through a broken back to continue dancing and had been cruelly manipulated by Grace and… yes, she had her faults. Everybody did. Maybe Kat's was that she loved too strongly. Then, when the thing she loved was taken away from her, she hurt too much, she was broken, irreparable. Sammy, Christian… Tara, back when they'd taken a break from their friendship.

"If you told her, she would back off," Ben added.

Kat knew that was true. But even though she _felt _so strongly, she couldn't face those emotions. She was scared of them.

She was scared of everything these days.

* * *

Kat dreamt again that night, about Sammy. She was standing on the edge of the road where the accident occurred – she had only visited the place once, with Ollie, and had told herself she wouldn't do it again. Some guy in a chicken suit was handing out pamphlets. The tree where a wreath and flowers had been placed since the accident was bare.

And suddenly Sammy was jogging towards her, earphones in, looking focused. He stopped near the chicken man and dialled on his phone, and began talking. Kat approached, slowly, as if floating almost, until she was right in front of him. He was leaving the voicemail for Tara; the one Tara had let Kat listen to once after the funeral. He finished and pocketed his phone, and turned to look out at the water in the harbour.

"Sammy," Kat whispered. He didn't glance at her. "Sammy?" He continued to ignore her. He adjusted an earphone. He changed the song playing. "Sammy!" she shouted. She had some crazy notion that she could stop it from happening, that if she stopped this then everything in the real world would change too.

He turned around and headed to the road, jogging on the spot as he checked for cars and suddenly the dreamscape became distorted, the sky darkening, the world tilting, and Sammy walked to the centre of the road and stood there, and a speeding car hit him and he tumbled over the car and onto the tarmac, and there was a screech of tires and the chicken man's fliers went flying through the air as people ran to help him and blood pooled by his head and his eyes were open and expressionless.

She jolted awake with a gasp, her heart pounding. She looked around the room in her panicked state, her breathing coming out fast, realising it was a dream but at the same time realising it wasn't a dream. Of course she didn't know how the accident had happened. Nobody really knew. Not even the chicken man, who'd had his back turned on impact. The driver had said that Sammy had just run in front of his car, but with no witnesses and the victim dead, who could say otherwise?

Abigail's eyes were opened in the dark room, like a raccoon. "Are you okay?"

"Um." Kat blinked a few times. "Bad dream. I'm fine."

"Sammy?"

"Yeah."

"Do you dream about the accident? Different scenarios about how it could happen?"

"That was one of the scenarios just then," said Kat.

"And?"

"He went and stood in the middle of the road and waited for the car to hit him."

Abigail rolled her eyes. "That isn't even plausible."

"Sorry, I can't control my dreams," said Kat sarcastically, lying down. After a little while, when Kat didn't know if Abigail had drifted back to sleep or not, she murmured, "Abigail?"

"Mm?"

"Does it still hurt?" She didn't feel she needed to clarify what she meant.

"Of course. I think it will always hurt," said Abigail. "He was a one of a kind person. None of us would be friends if it wasn't for him. He was-"

"The glue that held everybody together," finished Kat. It had been said so many times since he had died that she could easily predict when somebody was going to say it.

After that they were quiet, and soon Abigail's soft snores filled the room. Kat stared at the ceiling. She hadn't spoken to Tara about this. Since the farm, they hadn't spoken much about how they felt. It was like they were both protecting themselves from their own and each other's pain. And now Tara was so preoccupied with third year and the production. Kat had no doubt that Tara would get into the company, or if not the company than some other amazing job that would see her become a principle dancer. She had something to work for and keep her mind off Sammy. Kat didn't, and that was the problem.


End file.
